THE FOUR STEPS FOR REMOVING EMOTIONAL PAIN

I.   Preparing the mind to learn

                      “The preparation of the heart belongs to man, but the answer of                                    the tongue is from the Lord.”  (Psalm 16:1)

               A.   Being able to successfully process emotional pain requires three                               things at the beginning.

                           1.   Students must be convinced of their need to learn to process 
                                emotional pain.  This is especially difficult for religious and well-to-do
                                persons to accept.

                           2.   Students must commit to investing the time and effort 
                                required to complete the learning process.

                           3.    They must be willing to remove the “me factor” from their                                                thinking.

              B.   It is essential that emotional pain  be acknowledged if we are to be                             able to properly process it.

                           1.  If emotional pain is not acknowledged at the time it is inflicted, or if it is                                 treated too lightly, it will remain in our suconscience whether we                                  realize it or not.

                           2.   The accumulation of unacknowledged and unprocessed emotional                                  pain can and often will lead to some sort of destructive behavior.

              C.   Contentment does not always mean  happiness.

                           1.   Contentment is being satisfied with who I am, and where I am.

                           2.   Neither Jesus nor Paul were always happy, but both lived a life                                    of contentment.

                                        a)   Jesus knew He was the Son of God and understood                                                        the purpose of His mission.

                                        b)   Paul knew he was a Christian and that he was on the                                                     road to eternity.

                                        c)   Both found contentment in their knowledge of self.

 

II.   Take Time to Create  the Necessary  Conditions

              A.   It is a mistake to instantly react to a pain event.         

                 B.    How we react to a particular situation is entirely dependent on our
                      frame of mind when the event takes place.

                           1.   It is impossible to successfully process emotional pain when                                         we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

                           2.   When a pain event takes place we must ask ourselves the                                             question, “Am I mentally able to process this right now?”

                                       a.   If the answer is yes we can deal with it on the spot.

                                       b.   If the answer is no we must hold our reaction until we are                                              mentally prepared to deal with the event in a positive way.

                                       c.   Solomon tells us,

                                        “Do not  hasten in your spirit to be angry, for anger rests in                                          the bosom of fools.”  (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

             C.   Once H.A.L.T. is in place we can proceed to process the event and                           put it behind us.

                           1.   Creating “Quiet Time.”

                                        a.   Remember how often Jesus took time to be alone for prayer                                              and meditation.

                                        b.   He understood the admonition of the psalmist who said,

                                        Be angry, and do not sin.  Meditate within your heart on                                           your bed, and be still.”  (Ps. 4:4)

                                        c.   Quiet time, combined with a quiet place serves many benefits.

                                                    1)    Begin with prayer.

                                                    2)    Read a passage of scripture.

                                                    3)    Deal with any unprocessed emotional pain.

                                                    4)   End with prayer and be sure to pray for any person who                                                           has caused you emotional pain.            

                                       c.   “Poor Me” thinking is always a formula for failure.

                                        “Do not rejoice over me my enemy; when I fall, I will arise;                                         when I sit in darkness the Lord will be a light to me. 
                                       (Micah 7:8)

          C.   Some students attempt to process pain without first developing these two                  attitudes.  This has never been known to succeed.                                            

              D.   The two attitudes in step three make it possible for the skills in step four to                   remove emotional pain.

 IV.   Three skills for processing emotional pain

           A.   Accurate thinking

              “For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you,              not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think 
             soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith,”  (Romans 12:3)

                         1.   Accurate thinking is perfected by the ability to spot thinking                                           errors and replacing them with accurate thoughts. 

                                  2.   We are in control of our life.

                                        a.   We can control of what we think.

                                        “...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts 
                                       itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought                                        into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” (II Corinthians 10:5)

                                        b.   We can control our outlook on life.

                                        “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by                                          sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.”  (Proverbs 15:13)

                                        c.   We can control our attitude

                                        “I will lift up my eyes to the hills - from which comes my 
                                       help? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and
                                       earth.”  (Psalm 121:1-2)

                                         d.   We cannot control or change others.

                                        “Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes?  There                                             is more hope for a fool than for him.”  (Proverbs 26:12)

                                       e.   We can choose the path we walk.

                                        “...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve                                            …But as for me and my house we will serve the Lord.”                                            (Joshua 14:15)

                                        f.  Through study and practice I can become the person I                                                      want to be.          

                                        “But also for this very reason, giving all diligence. Add to                                        your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-                                         control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godli-                                       ness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly 
                                       kindness love.”  (II Peter 1:5-7)

              B.   Assertiveness

                           1.   Assertiveness is getting our needs met without hurting or 
                                offending others.

                                  “Be wise as serpents but harmless as doves.”  (Matt. 10:16)

                           2.   Assertiveness is a learned behavior

                           3.   It is always appropriate and always effective.

                                   “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of 
                                     silver.”  (Proverbs 25:11)

                           4.   Never use the word YOU unless as part of a question or                                  compliment.

                                        Aggressive:  I wanted to talk, but YOU said NO.                                      

                                        Assertive:  I needed to talk but I evidently picked a bad time.

              C.   Listening

                           1.   Hear the other person out.

                                     “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly 
                                       and shame on him”  (Proverbs 18:13)

                           2.   Reflective listening

                                        Characteristics of a good listener

 

1. A good listener learns to see aggressive, problem people as emotional pain carriers desperately in need of understanding.  In doing so we turn our condemnation into compassion.            

 2.  A good listener makes the effort to create good listening conditions by working to remove obstacles hindering the listening process.  Stepping aside from the group, if possible, and finding a quiet corner is very helpful.

3.  A good listener attempts to see issues through the other person’s eyes.  This is difficult when we are convinced that the other person is mistaken, or just plain wrong.  Nevertheless, it is their viewpoint that we must understand and address.     

4.  A good listener strives to understand not only what is being said but also the reason it is being said.  There is always a reason behind a person’s feelings.

5.  A good listener engages in reflective listening by carefully repeating back what the other person has said but putting it in his or her own words.

6.  A good listener always maintains good eye contact with the person doing the talking.  It is also very important to observe the body language of the other person.

7.  A good listener is always concentrating on what the other person is saying, never on how he or she is going to respond.