WHY I DO WHAT I HATE  

I. Introduction 

             “For what I am doing, I do not understand.  For what I will to do, that I do                not practice; but what I hate, that I do.”                                                                    The Apostle Paul,  (Romans  7:15) 

             A.  In this context the apostle Paul is talking about sin in his life. But, the princi-                   pal at work is also at work in every other aspect of our lives. 

                          1.  Children began feeling emotional pain by the age of four and by the 
                               age of eight will have adopted an escape behavior. 

                          2.   An escape behavior is always chosen from that which is available. 
                                This explains why anger is the number one escape behavior. 

                          3.   As children grow and other escape behaviors become available they                                 may adopt any number of escape behaviors. 

                          4.   Once adopted, an escape behavior will be fallen back on again and                                 again each time the person is confronted with a emotionally painful                                 event. 

             B.   Any time the mind is forced to deal with more emotional pain than it can 
                    process it will demand a means of escape. 

             C.   As an escape behavior is used over and over as a means of escaping 
                    emotional pain it becomes a needed behavior (addiction). 

II.   The Emotional Pain Cycle 

             A.   The emotional pain event: 

                          1.  An emotional pain event can be described as “any statement, 
                               action or situation that can be perceived as negative, hurtful or                                unjust, and tends to raise the lever of anger.” 

                                       a.  The emotional pain cycle can be set in motion by a single                                             catastrophic event or an accumulation of smaller painful                                                 events.                         

                                       b.  When an emotional pain event occurs the common and 
                                            natural reaction is to immediately entertain negative
                                            thoughts.            

                                       c.  If we are not successful in processing the event in a positive                                             and constructive manner, the next step will be ruminating.  

             B.  Ruminating  (Using negative thoughts and thinking errors regarding                                                the event.) 

                          1.   Negative thoughts are the jet fuel that feeds the emotion of anger. 

                          2.   If not fed by negative thoughts, anger will begin to subside in 30 
                                seconds or less. 

                          3.   When faced with a difficult situation we should follow the advice of the                                   psalmist who says, 

                               “I will lift up my eyes to the hills...from whence comes my help.                                  My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.”                                 (Psalms 121:1-2) 

                          4.   How we see ourselves and take control of our thoughts allows us to                                 take a healthy control of the event. 

             C.  Depression  (the result of dwelling negatively on the event) 

                          1.   Depression can be defined as anger turned inward. 

                          2.   Depression is fed by thinking errors which are the opposite of 
                                accurate thinking and are always based on our emotions rather than                                 our intellect.  

                                       a.   Taking things personally. 

                                       b.   Jumping to conclusions. 

                                       c.    Filtering out the positive to focus on the negative. 

                          3.   The apostle Peter advises that when in this situation we should, 

                                “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
                                  (I Peter 5:7) 

                          4.   Unprocessed emotional pain is not only the cause of depression, it is                                 the root of most stress. 

             D.   Stress  (A continual build-up of emotional pain and depression) 

                          1.   The combination of getting hurt, inaccurate and negative thinking,                                 along with prolonged depression, will increase the stress level just                                 like a heated pressure cooker. 

                          2.   When stress builds up to the breaking point, the victim will always                                 look for a means of escape.                         

             E.   The decision to escape (Looking for a way to escape the pain) 

                          1.   The need to escape from emotional pain is the foundation of all
                                addictive behavior. 

                          2.   If not trained to process emotional pain in a positive, non-destructive                                 manner, the victim will resort to previously adopted escape behaviors.                                

                          3.   There are over 100 behaviors that have been classified as “addictive”                                  by the American Psychiatric Association. 

                                       a.   The alcoholic drinks for the very same reason the drug addict                                              uses drugs. 

                                       b.   The gossip slanders and spreads tales for the very same 
                                              reason that the sex addict uses pornography or engages in                                               harmful sexual acts. 

                          4.   The need to escape builds and builds until it is unbearable. 

             F.   Plan in Place 

                          1.   The victim is not aware that he is choosing an escape behavior. 

                          2.   A person’s pain and stress becomes so intense that he looses the                                 ability to evaluate his thoughts to see if they are healthy. 

                          3.   The choice of an escape behavior is always based on what is 
                                available. 

                          4.   A change in availability may contribute to behavior swapping which is                                 trading one addiction for another.  Stopping smoking can lead to                                 overeating. 

             G.   Acting out  (Using an escape behavior to cope with the pain/developing                                             an addiction). 

                          1.   The human conscience separates men from animals, therefore, 
                                justifications to get past the conscience is not an option. 

                          2.    Unless the conscience has been seared to the point of being 
                                 depraved, it is mandatory to justify our actions in our own mind. 

                          3.   Notice how the apostle Paul protected himself from this happening.

                                       “I myself always strive to have a good conscience without 
                                       offense toward God and men.”  (Acts 24:16) 

                          4.   Unfortunately, self-justifications do hot have to be strong to get by the                                 conscience.  They can even be laughable to all others.  In view of                                 this, Solomon warns us that, 

                                       “All the ways of man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord                                          weighs the spirit.  Commit your works to the Lord and your                                          thoughts will be established.”  (Prov. 16:2-3) 

                          5.   Therefore, healthy thinkers give great care for the reasons for their                                 behavior. 

             H.   Shame, fear and guilt  (the result of using escape behaviors/addictions) 

                          1.   Any person trapped in an addictive behavior has to deal with a load                                 of shame, guilt and fear.  Jesus tells us, 

                                       “For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not                                        come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.”  
                                       (John 3:20) 

                          2.   Addictive behavior can be classified into two categories.  Some 
                                addictive behavior is socially acceptable, even in the church 
                                environment, while other addictive behavior is universally condemned. 

                                       a.   Socially acceptable addictive behavior can include, talking, 
                                             eating and work. 

                                       b.   Condemned behavior includes alcohol, tobacco and drugs. 

                          3.   Any escape behavior used on a consistent basis will result in the                                 same feelings of shame, fear and guilt, whether it is acceptable 
                                behavior or not. 

                                       a.   The addicted person feels guilty because they see others 
                                             using the behavior without becoming addicted and feel guilt                                              because they are unable to do so. 

                                       b.   The addicted person feels shame because they are not able                                              to control their behavior.   This is especially true of persons                                              who have a strong belief in God. 

                                       c.   The addicted person lives in constant fear of their unaccept-                                             able behavior being found out.  Again, this is especially true of                                              those who have achieved a high level of success in the world                                              of business as well as a good reputation in the church.  

      

                                       d.   These feelings of shame, guilt and fear actually prolong the 
                                              addiction by preventing the addicted person from seeking the                                              help they need.  

             I.   Resolving to Stop  (The decision to try to break the addiction) 

                          1.  The greatest desire of any addicted person is to be able to break the                                addictive behavior.  

                          2.   Time after time they will resolve that “this time is the last time.” 

                          3.   They may be able to stop for a day, a month or even a year, but will                                 always fail because they have never been trained to deal with the real                                 problem, which is not the addiction, but the underlying emotional pain                                 which brought about the addiction. 

             J.   Attempt normal  (The attempt to end the addictive behavior) 

                          1.   A strong desire to quit may involve both prayer and self-condemna-                                tion. 

                          2.   In this step the victim attempts to be “normal” as he believes others to                                 be. 

                          3.   Steps I and J are noble and sincere efforts.  They are also set-ups                                 for failure. 

                          4.   Not being able to successfully stop escape behaviors, due to a lack of                                 training , only brings on more pain from which there is a need to 
                                escape. 

                          5.   This continuing cycle eventually drags a person to the absolute 
                                bottom in hopelessness.                         

                          6.   All too often the person resorts to suicide as the final means of 
                                escape. 

III. The Continuing Cycle 

             Those trapped in a shameful behavior are trapped in a vicious, ever down-             ward spiraling, cycle which leads to more and more pain which only              serves to feed the cycle and further entrap the individual.  This cycle can              be broken, even for long term addicts, if we are able to train them to deal              with the underlying emotional problems in a non-destructive manner.               Once the ability to process emotional pain has been learned the addiction              can be reduced to a habit, and habits are easier to break than addictions.