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EXERCISE TWO
Childhood Emotional Pain
A Study in Contentment
Ron Wilkins
Emotional pain comes from many sources. It is important to understand that we have the capability of inflecting emotional pain on others as well as having emotional pain inflicted on us. Most emotional pain is not inflicted on purpose but comes as a result of thoughtless actions by both ourselves and others. While emotional pain is a part of life, it is important to understand that the closer we are to a person the greater the opportunity for inflicting emotional pain. As the child goes through the early formative years of life the primary source of emotional pain is from it’s parents. This is not an intentional infliction of emotional pain but the result of poor and thoughtless actions by one or both parents.
There is no substitute for a stable home life during a child’s early years. The home is the child’s world. Friction, stress and neglect in the family will turn the child’s entire world upside down. Too many parents fail to consider the effect of their actions on the self-esteem and sense of self-worth being developed by the child. What is more, the effect of these actions is not just temporary. Any traumatic events in the child’s life can, and often do, carry well into their adult life. A young child who is sexually abused will have difficulty establishing a stable loving relationship years down the road.
Once the trust between a parent and a child is broken it is difficult if not impossible to restore. Children by nature are very trusting. They will quickly warm up to favorable attention and pleasant experiences. During their early years the will trust a stranger just as easily as they do a member of their own family. This is why parents, for the child’s own protection, have to warn them not to trust strangers. Trust is one of the most valuable assets we are born with. It is trust that allows the formation of close personal relationships, the ability to be a part of a team, and the ability to become a productive adult. There are few, if any, relationships in our lives that do not require an element of trust. Children who have experienced broken trust early in life will have difficulty ever fully trusting others who come into their lives, even years down the road.
Loneliness is another hindrance to the well rounded development of a child. We are by nature social creatures. We seek comfort from the presence of others. This can easily be seen when thunder and lightening sends a child scurrying for the bed of the parents. There is always strength as well as comfort in the presence of others. A child who becomes a “loner” has great difficulty being a productive part of society both as a child as well as an adult. The importance of a child interacting with other children at an early age cannot be over emphasized. It is at very early ages that children begin to develop the social skills that will assist them through their entire life. There are few. if any, feelings that are more depressing that that of loneliness. This is why children as well as older individuals are capable of developing such close relationships with their pets.
Another area parents often fail to understand is the child’s need for security. There is no replacement for time when it comes to establishing a sense of security in a child. The modern belief that “quality time” is an adequate replacement for “quantity time” is a fallacy with far reaching effects. Children develop their sense of security from feeling a part of the family. All too often the activities of the parents fail to take into consideration the needs of the child. A child who feels he is on the sideline watching rather than a part of the game will feel both neglected and lonely. A feeling of not being a necessary part of the family can be devastating. One common consequence of this feel is children doing things, even destructive things, to gain the attention they are craving.
Children are born with virtually no abilities and are totally dependent on others for all their needs. The events which will shape a child’s personality begin having an effect very early in the child’s life. Children learn by trial and error. Positive encouragement during the trials and failures experienced as the child attempts to learn is essential to the well rounded development of the child. No one learns to walk on the first attempt. It takes time, practice and a lot of encouragement. But little by little, one success breeds another. Gradually children become confident in their ability to succeed. This since of confidence in self, developed early, will serve the child throughout it’s life. By the same token, children who are constantly put down, called a failure and told they will never amount to anything, will come to believe that this is true. The most devastating words a child can hear is “You weren’t wanted.” Positive encouragement through failures must be a part of the child’s life.
Any good teacher of children in early grades can, within a few weeks, tell you exactly what type of home the child comes from. Experienced teachers have learned through the years to recognize the traits which display the strengths and weaknesses of the child’s early training. The parents have the ability to point the child in a given direction and once that is done it is extremely difficult to change that direction. It is true that many children have the self fortitude to rise above the adversities of early childhood, but far too many wind up in jails, prisons and mental hospitals. It is almost inevitable that persons in one of these institutions has a tale of a childhood that virtually insured they would experience failure after failure in their adult lives.
When we look at the modern society in which children are raised it is no wonder that we see so many negative consequences manifested in the lives of young adults. The need to escape the emotional pain felt during the growing years leads to any number of destructive escape behaviors. Once the mind reaches the point of emotional overload it becomes essential to find an escape behavior. People choose an escape behavior from things within their reach. The most common escape behavior in both children and adults is anger. The ability to feel anger is readily available to people of all ages. We talk a lot these days about anger management but often fail to understand the underlying reasons that have led to anger as an escape behavior. The anger can only be replaced by providing the person, young or old with positive alternative means of dealing with their emotional pain. When we see a young child beginning to demonstrate anger on a regular basis, we can be sure that there are emotional problems going on beneath the surface. It is the problems, not the anger, that must be addressed.
God is acutely aware of the needs of developing children and has provided through His word ample instructions. The book of Proverbs is a virtual treasure trove of do’s and don’ts when it comes to raising children. As in every other aspect of life, the One who created us knows our every need and how to best satisfy that need. The early developmental needs of children are no exception. When children are placed on the road that leads to happiness and success contentment will become a part of the child’s life both as a child and an adult. Does this mean that parents have the ability to determine the success or failure of children in all their adult endeavors? Absolutely not. We are all free moral agents and it our choices, not our upbringing, that will determine our successes and failures. There is no substitute for a good start in life but there is also no guarantee that a good will start will insure success.
The responsibility for our success or failure rest squarely on our own shoulders. Many rise above the adversities of their youth while others constantly fail to live up to their potential. Our choices always reflect our priorities and will be followed by consequences, both good and bad. It is the choices we make as adults that determine our success or failure.
QUESTIONS
1. Which persons are capable of inflicting the most emotional pain on us?
2. Name five needs in a young child’s life?
3. What always underlies a problem with anger?
4. What do we mean by the term “escape behavior”?
5. What book of the Bible provides a treasure trove of information on raising children?
TRUE or FALSE
2. If an emotional overload is experienced the mind will demand a means of escape.
3. Trust is not important in the life of a child.
4. We are social creatures.
5. The responsibility for our success or failure rest squarely on our own shoulders.
ANSWERS FOR EXERCISE ONE
1. High self-esteem
2. Putting the needs of others ahead of our wants.
3. Contentment and escape from emotional pain.
4. The Bible
5. Humility and a spirit of service.
True or False: 1.(F), 2.(F), 3.(T), 4.(T), 5.(T)
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