Exercise 13

EXERCISE THIRTEEN

Listening

A Study in Contentment

by Ron Wilkins

Listening is a master skill. It may very well be the most difficult of the three to master. Mostly because it is such a part of constant activity that it is easy to become “dull of hearing.” Just like the description the Lord spoke of in Matthew 13:16. It’s easy to fall into hearing what we want hear. It’s called selective listening and it’s as common as tree leaves. Nowhere is it more apparent than in the self-talk; because “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

Learning to listen to others and situations is hard enough, but to really listen to self is a “roll up the sleeves” challenge. James taught that we should be “swift to hear.” This is calling attention to the need to learn how to listen. Listening involves far more than just hearing sounds, or even words. It is a fact gathering method, and it involves the eye as well as smell, touch and in some cases, taste. It includes observing nonverbals such as hand gestures, facial expressions, body stance and voiced tones.

The Lord revealed that it is possible to listen to the “intent of the heart.” The Hebrew writer spoke of “having the senses exercised to discern both good and evil.” Listening to the “intent of the heart” means understanding how the person speaking is actually feeling and what thoughts they are attempting to convey.

Everyone listens, but not everyone is a good listener. Few really listen to their own self-talk. Listening is not easy, in fact it’s hard. It requires work, but it is not impossible to develop into a good listener. The more the skill of listening is mastered the more it can be used to process emotional pain in all five areas of human endeavor and achieve “Every State Contentment.”

The Lord took advantage of natural acoustics to teach from the side of a mountain or out of a boat. Good listening often requires making an effort to create ideal conditions for listening. Take a walk or a ride, turn off the TV or radio, find a comfortable spot, do whatever it takes to eliminate distractions. Professional listeners use a closed door offics. Nonverbal forms of communication can not be “listened to” over the phone. There is no substitute for eye contact. Voice tones are not easily detected over the phone. The phone is a better appointment setting tool that it is a listening device and it probably interrupts more listening opportunities than it creates. Good listening is not accidental. It takes great effort to create good listening conditions and a suitable time frame that will not be interrupted.

Good listeners do more than just hear words. They use appropriate feedback, reflective listening and nonverbal forms of communication to assure the person speaking that they are not only being heard, they are being understood. A good listener uses the master skills of accurate thinking and assertiveness to avoid escalating intense emotions.

Communication involves both listening and talking. The master skills defuse anger and give control to the person who uses them consistently. If both parties are using the master skills meaningful conversation will occur. If one uses the master skills progress is likely to take place. Switching from listener to speaker requires a delicate balance and the consistent use of the master skills. We must quit thinking about what we are saying and start listening to the other person.

Learning to listen to the self talk is a critical part of processing emotional pain. When a painful event occurs the first step in human behavior is going to automatically kick in. How self is view in the situation is the “perception stage.” The second step involves what is said to self or others about how self was perceived in the first step. It is in this step that the master skill of listening really pays off. The question to ask is, “How do I see myself in regard to what is going on.” It requires work to ask the question, and even more work to listen to the answer. Take the time to examine what was said for accuracy and assertiveness, and to see if there is a need for restructuring the thought process. That is how the skill of listening is mastered.

Learning to listen to the self-talk is the hardest part in developing the skill of listening. The ability to think words is several times faster than the ability to speak them. It takes a lot of work in the form of concentrated effort to slow the self-talk down to the point that it can be examined for accurate and assertive thoughts.

It’s not difficult to relate to the need of making a concentrated effort to learn to listen to others, or even to focus on nonverbals, but how does a person learn to listen to a situation or the intent of the heart? By gathering facts, looking for reasons and understanding influencing factors. Facts are gathered in a variety of ways, but mainly by asking questions like, “What led up to this situation?,” “What has brought those involved to say what they do?,” “What do they really want,” and “What are the factors that influence the entire matter?” Finally, “What are the reasons for the events, actions and words of all those involved?” Listening is improved and mastered by the taking time to ask and get answers to all vital questions leading up to the event.

No master skill is more important or valuable than any of the others. They are interlocking to the point that each influences the others. They all need to be developed at the same time. The difficulty of our doing this is one of the best things Satan has going for himself in his effort to restrict us to “occasional contentment.” How can an person learn and master three separate skills at the same time? That’s not an easy question. No doubt that’s where prayer comes in. Those who are willing to ask, seek and knock will work as though everything depended on them, and pray like it all depends on God.

In its own right, the master skill of listening is just as powerful as the master skills of accurate thinking and assertiveness. Failing to use even one of the master skills prevents emotional pain from being properly processed. When all three master skills are used in a painful event, the emotional pain of it will be properly processed, and it will happen every time. This makes it possible to experience “Every State Contentment,” even in troubling situations. Learning to be content in every state involves learning to use the master skills to properly process emotional pain in all five areas of human endeavor.

When the painful events are greater that the skill level necessary to properly process them, there can be no “Every State Contentment” until the skill level is raised. Satan uses emotional overloads to undermine confidence in the master skills. The problem will never be with the master skills, but with the skill level of the individual using them. We are in a war with the powers of darkness that work to prevent the master skills from being used in a least one area of human endeavor. That’s all it takes to block and prevent “Every State Contentment.”

ASSIGNMENT

Write down a recent anger situation that you observed on the part of another person. Be brief, but list at least three contributing factors that could have led them to say what they did.
Think of a recent attempt to listen to someone. List as many things as you can that may have hindered the listening process.
If possible, observe a conversation between two individuals without being noticed. Write down as many forms of nonverbal communication that you observed.

QUESTIONS

1. What is the hardest part of learning the skill of listening?

2. Which master skill is the most important?

3. Why do you think professional listeners use locked offices to do it?

4. How can a person learn to listen to the intent of the heart?

TRUE or FALSE

1. Listening comes naturally and it’s not hard.

2. Listening is the most important master skill.

3. It’s possible to learn to listen to the intents of the heart.

4. Listening to others is more important than listening to self

ANSWERS FOR EXERCISE TWELVE

1. No middle ground, everything is either good or bad.

2. Yes.

3. To justify not liking them.

4. Denial is a form of self-protection

True or False: 1. (F), 2. (F), 3. (F), 4. (T)