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EXERCISE ELEVEN
Assertiveness
A Study in Contentment
by Ron Wilkins
The master skill of assertiveness is a super weapon in the bid for “Every State Contentment.” It’s an emotional pain processing tool that is equivalent to an A BOMB and it works every time it is used. Without training, it is not likely anyone would be aware of it’s power in all five areas of human endeavor. But the Lord was, and He alluded to it in Matt, 10:16, when He said, “Be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.” He used it to easily defeat every adverse encounter with those who opposed Him.
Jesus’ teachings were as assertive as they were accurate. He used assertiveness to endure the disbelief of His disciples and their insistence on an earthly kingdom. He even used it in His direct encounters with Satan, and with those who would force Him to be an earthly king. Consider His answers to the temptations in the wilderness as well as His last conversation with Pilate. It cannot be denied that everything about Him stood out except His appearance and there are many reasons. One of them was that He was never without the God skills of accurate thinking, assertiveness and the ability to listen.
Assertiveness cannot occur without accurate thoughts. Wisdom requires accuracy as well as carefully constructed thoughts. Wisdom demands truth, and the admonition to be harmless demands that great care be taken not to offend. The admonition to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove is consistent with the master skills of accurate thinking and assertiveness. The definition of assertiveness used in this study will be: assertiveness is the ability to get needs met by listening without defending and speaking without offending,
Mastering the skill of assertiveness requires carefully constructed thoughts before words are spoken and actions are taken. Words that unintentionally hurt are just as harmful as those that hurt intentionally. Carefully constructed thoughts are the core of assertiveness. They involve listening without defending and speaking without offending. Both words and actions must meet the requirement of harmless, both to self and to others.
There are four types of human behavior; aggressive, passive, passive aggressive and assertive. Only one of them is free of any element of harm and that is assertiveness. It’s not hard to see how aggressive words, thoughts and actions could be harmful. But even aggressiveness is not always out of place. Words such as “watch out”, “fire” or “run” are aggressive words that can be intended to save lives. Careful thinking must determine the reason for the behavior. “Is it harmless?” is always the question which determines whether or not a statement or action is assertive.
Passive behavior is not always harmful, but it can be. Passing on a no interest issue is not at all harmful, but passing on an important issue can do a lot of damage, especially in areas of human endeavor that have been damaged by unprocessed emotional pain.
Any form of passive behavior has the potential to be harmful to those who may be looking to the passive person for support, encouragement or protection. To take no action when action is needed can be devastating to others and can leave the passive person with an overload of shame and guilt. Assertive behavior is always appropriate and is not harmful to anyone. That is what Jesus had in mind when he said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Unlike the other three behavior forms, there is no guilt, shame or fear of reprisal with assertiveness.
Passive aggressive behavior is being aggressive only when it is safe. It’s easier to be aggressive over the phone than eye to eye. Being aggressive while being protected by phone, fence or a speeding car is passive aggressive. Such behavior lowers the self-esteem of the user.
In order to have “Every State Contentment” it is necessary to consistently process emotional pain in all five areas of human endeavor, instead of the average of two or three. Assertiveness is a powerful emotional pain processing tool which, to be effective, requires accurate thoughts, expressed in a harmless manner, in all areas of human endeavor. Truth, expressed harmlessly, prevents emotional pain every time. This is why the Bible tells us to “Speak the truth in love.”
In this light, the idea of learning to be content in “every state” becomes more and more consistent with what the Bible teaches. If emotional pain is being processed in every state there is no lingering emotional pain to be distressed over. “Every State Contentment” has nothing to do with being trouble free, but it has everything to do with being free from the unprocessed emotional pain which builds stress. If pain is being properly processed there is no reason for being distressed. This is consistent with Paul’s statement of learning to be content in every state, as well as being troubled on every side without being distressed. This is a simple concept which Satan has eased off the preaching and teaching list. This is a Bible truth that can make anyone, who takes the time to learn it, completely free of emotional pain.
This explains how Joseph could experience all the things he did and still be content enough to allow God time to complete His work. How could Joseph be content with being sold as a slave when he was a Hebrew? How could he be content with being falsely accused, thrown into an Egyptian prison and left there thoughtlessly forgotten? He was able to do it because he could process the pain of troubling events in all five areas of human endeavor. Few things can be as troubling as being cast into prison on false charges and being left there by the thoughtless actions of the very person who could get you out. As troubling as this was, he was able to process the emotional pain of it enough to allow himself to spend his time tending to other prisoners. Joseph could process the pain of troubling events. “Every State Contentment” is for those who can learn to process the pain of troubling events in all five areas of human endeavor.
Taking time to listen to all contributing factors in a situation, then using accurate
thoughts expressed in a harmless manner will allow the pain of the situation to be removed. Accurate thinking is mastered by becoming so familiar with thinking errors that they can be spotted and replaced with accurate thoughts. It is the truth of accurate thinking that makes a person free. Assertiveness is mastered by taking the time to insure that all thoughts, words and actions are both accurate and harmless. Assertiveness is perfected by learning to ask the question, “Is it accurate, and is it harmless.”
Master skills are not automatic. It is not possible to go to bed without them and wake up with them just because they are desired. They require an awareness which brings on the learning process which, in turn, is perfected by practice, practice and more practice.
ASSIGNMENT
QUESTIONS
1. What are two requirements for assertiveness?
2. How can a person not be distressed over troubling events?
3. What are the four types of behaviors?
4. Truth expressed how, prevents emotional pain?
5. How is assertiveness mastered?
TRUE or FALSE
1. It is necessary to be trouble free in order to be stress free.
2. Occasional contentment is the result of processing pain in some but not all areas of endeavor.
3. Passive behavior can only hurt the person who is passive.
4. Aggressive behavior is always out of place.
5. “Every state” refers to all five areas of human endeavor.
ANSWERS FOR EXERCISE TEN
1. Accurate thinking, assertiveness and listening
2. How I see myself, what I tell myself about it, the feelings I call up and the actions taken.
3. The first step, how I see myself.
4. Putting God first.
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