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EXERCISE TEN
Depression, Stress and Emotional Pain
A Study in Contentment
by Ron Wilkins
The number one blocker to achieving “Every State Contentment” is the belief that it is something impossible to achieve. Over time unprocessed emotional pain in one or more of the areas of human endeavor builds and builds to the point that it creates the need for an escape behavior. Pain carriers eventually reach a point where they cannot imagine life without their escape behavior. This perceived inability to live without the escape behavior becomes the number one blocker to learning to properly process emotional. This concept is not difficult to understand. What is difficult, is to master and apply the skills that will remove both the emotional pain and the blocker.
Interestingly, the admonition from Jesus to “learn of me” suddenly makes a lot more since. The rest, or contentment, the Lord spoke of is directly linked to learning from Him. The learning process includes His direct teachings, the words He spoke to others and His actions. To look for a passage which states, “thou shalt process emotional pain in this manner,” is a mistake. But ponder carefully Jesus words, “Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Who labors harder to find relief than the carrier of shame guilt and fear? Who is loaded with a greater burden than those who are caught up in some escape behavior? What is there to learn from Jesus? A lot.
A big step in the direction of pain processing is learning to lower the “me” factor. Take self out of the picture of every day events. Jesus taught this when he said, “That shall love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy mind.” (Matt. 22:37) If as much thought time was given to God’s interest as it is to self-interest, emotional pain levels would be much lower.
The Lord used the master skills to stop the Scribes and Pharisees dead in their “attack” tracks and we can learn to use them too. He used the skills of listening, accurate thinking and assertiveness to stop them cold...every time. The skills He used can be used today to properly process all emotional pain. They work in all areas of human endeavor, and they work every time they are used.
The Lord listened to them when they brought the woman caught in the act of adultery. He not only listened to their words, He also heard their situation, including the intentions of their hearts. He processed the real time events with accurate thoughts that allowed Him to speak both accurately and assertively. By doing so He kept His anger level low enough to allow Him to control the entire situation. He did the same with all attempts to entrap him. The Scribes and Pharisees were expecting fragile defenses and objections based on rising anger. Instead, they ran head on into accurate, assertive words. This not only challenged their conscience, but left no doubt as to the intentions of their hearts. Is it any wonder they began to drop their stones and turn away?
Emotional pain in all five areas of human endeavor can be processed with the very same skills Jesus used to devastate the best minds of His day. These skills are called the master skills, not only because they come from the Master, but also because they require mastering. They are not just a gift. If the cause of the problem is emotional pain, and it is, then the solution is to learn how to properly process emotional pain. The solution begins with accepting the fact that blockers exist which need to be removed. Success is in direct proportion to the desire to succeed. Ask, seek and knock translates into a twenty-first century expression; “Get the ‘want to’ fixed.” There will be no “Every State Contentment” until the “want to” is fixed.
When the “want to” is firmly in place the learning can begin. Painful events and hurtful experiences are processed by learning to take control during the first step in human behavior by effectively using the master skills. There are just four steps to human behavior. The first step is the only “control” step. More times than not, it can also be the “out of control step.”
II Kings, the fifth chapter becomes a God breathed study in the four steps in human behavior. According to the text Naaman was the captain of the host of Syria. He was a leper who eventually stood at the door of the prophet Elisha, expecting to be healed of his disease. When things did not go as he expected he became angry and turned away. It is in his anger that we can see the four steps of human behavior. He saw himself as an important man who deserved much pomp and fanfare. When it didn’t happen he began to tell himself negative things about the instructions given him. A servant helped him to restructure his thinking by raising the question, “Master, if the profit had bid thee to do some great thing, would you have done it?”
This is Biblical proof that the first step in human behavior can be altered and restructured by the listening process which in turn brings on accurate thoughts which can be expressed in an assertive manner. This is especially true when accurate thinking, assertiveness and listening skills are used in the self-talk.
The master skills are not only workable, they are used daily by virtually everyone in the areas of their strengths. But, in areas where emotional pain has been too frequent, too tense and too prolonged, the workable skills have become surpassed by the belief they will not do the job. The search for something that will work results in some escape behavior. But, any individual that really wants to learn to regain the use of workable skills in their areas of damage can do so.
They can learn to recognize their areas of venerability. They can learn to process painful events and they can do it by carefully applying the master skills to hurtful situations. They can learn to listen to the situation and take charge in the very first step in human behavior. They can improve how they see self with accurate thinking and assertive thoughts and speech. Though practice, they can increase their skills to the point of being able to process any level of emotional pain.
The first step in human behavior is how people see themselves in light of what is going on around them. Step two is
what they tell themselves about how they saw themselves in step one. Step three is the emotions that are called up. Step four is the action taken as a result of the other three steps. Naaman first saw himself as a powerful man who deserved special treatment. The master skills led him to restructure his thinking so he could see himself as a man who needed to be healed of a dreadful disease. Pain is processed by using the master skills to restructure thinking.
Ideally, in a perfect world, the three master skills need to be developed at the same time because they are all three interconnected. Accurate thinking will improve the listening skills and listening will improve assertiveness. The use of a constructive study partner can be very helpful in learning to master the skills. The wrong study partner, however, can have adverse effects.
ASSIGNMENT
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Apply the four steps in human behavior to a recent anger event. Ask yourself what happened, but be brief. Then apply the first step by asking yourself, “how did you see yourself” in the event. Next, write down what you told yourself about how you saw the event. Next write down and rate the emotions you called up. Finally, write down the action taken.
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Write down what happened to Naaman at the door of Elisha, and how he saw himself. Next, write down what he told himself about how he saw the event. What emotions did he call up, and what actions did he take. Do the same with his restructuring process.
QUESTIONS
1. What are the names of the master skills?
2. What are the four steps to human behavior?
3. Which step is the control step in the four steps to human behavior?
4. Name a big step in pain processing from Matt. 22:37?
ANSWERS FOR EXERCISE NINE
1. Once rolling downhill it cannot be stopped.
2. Because if only one area is left unsatisfied we will not achieve “Every State Contentment.“
3. It allows the opportunity to teach book, chapter and verse.
4. It allows our empathy to be expressed in refreshing words.
5. Most people will take the right action if they are not blinded by pain or anger.
TRUE or FALSE: 1. (T), 2. (T), 3. (F), 4. (F)
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