Processing Long Term Pain

Students of emotional pain processing sometimes ask the question, “How do you handle long term pain?” Long term pain is very different from one time pain. Long term pain is a pain event that may continue for days, months, or even years. An excellent example of long term pain is a long term or terminal illness of a loved one. This is a type of pain that many of us experience. It is not something that can be processed at one sitting but requires us to deal with it every day for a long period of time. I have personally experienced such long term pain over a period of ten years while Alzheimer’s disease gradually took my mother from us. For all practical purposes she died five years before we buried her. There is no silver bullet answer to this question, but there are some things that we can do to lesson the emotional pain involved.

1. Accept the fact of the Illness.

None of us like hearing that a loved one has a long term incurable or a terminal illness. Many times our first reaction is denial. Denial is one of the greatest blockers to processing emotional. The sooner that we face up to the fact, the sooner we can began to deal with it. If we do not trust a particular doctor there is nothing wrong with changing doctors or getting a second opinion. But, once the diagnose and the prognosis is confirmed we must accept the fact and began dealing with it.

2. Reduce the “me factor.”

It is only natural to be upset and distressed upon receiving such news. In fact, over a period of time the stress on the care-giver may be much greater than the stress on the patient. This is particular true of Alzheimer’s disease. If we are going to successfully deal with the pain we must put the needs and the welfare of the patient ahead of our own. There is a caution in doing this which we must recognize. Our ability to care for another depends on our own physical and mental health. In addition, the care required may become a tremendous mental and physical stress for the entire family. It is important to realize that there may well come a time when the most loving thing that can be done for the ill person is to place them in a professional care facility. When this time comes the caregivershould feel no sense of guilt in doing this if the time comes.

3. Do not engage in thinking errors

It is very natural to look for something or someone to blame. It is also natural to feel angry and cheated. Many people go so far as to blame God for the situation. The fact of the matter is that no one is at fault and there is really no one to be angry toward. Illness happens and there is nothing that can be done to pre- vent it and the illness is not necessarily the result of any particular conduct. This is a time for accurate, not flawed, tinking. Do not allow yourself to engage in thinking errors, particularly not the error of “heaven’s reward.” God did not do this to test or to punish either you or the ill person. Read John 9:1-3.

4. Maintain a Positive Attitude.

How, you ask, can such a situation enable me to have a positive attitude. The trained pain processor has learned that humility and a positive attitude are absolutely necessary in processing emotional pain. Remember that there is no situation with which we cannot deal if we use the two attitudes and the three skills that we have acquired. Pain of the nature we are discussing is what is called “High Level Pain.” We must remember that we cannot process “high level pain” with “low level skills.” So lets look at some of the things a well trained pain processor will consider when approaching this situation.

A.   Ask your self this question. If the tables were reversed, would he/she be here for me. If the answer is yes then count it as a blessing to have such a loved one who would stand by your side no matter what. I remember, many years ago standing before an alter and promising God and those present that forsaking all others, I would love my wife during “sickness and health,” among a number of other things. The care-giver now has the opportunity to prove that he meant what he promised.

B.   Know that your loved one is going to receive the very best care possible. How can you know this? Simple; because you are going to be the one giving it.   I can assure you that there is no other person in the world who would give better care to a loved one than a loving spouse. Those of us who have enjoyed d the blessing of a long and happy marriage have many memories to call on which will give us every reason to stand by our ill spouse, mother, or father during such times.

C.   Know that by keeping the promise you made at the alter you are being very pleasing to God. Many people live under the assumption that once they have become a Christian they are guaranteed a seat in heaven. That would indeed be nice but the fact of the matter is that it is a false assumption. Being a Christian is not a one time event, it is a way of life. Read Matthew 25:31-46. Both those classified as sheep and as goats are “Christians.” Notice the basis on which they are separated. It is not based on the name they wear but on the life that they have lived. The greatest life of service ever lived was lived by Jesus Christ. Is it unreasonable for God to judge us based on our service to others. The Bible teaches very clearly that there is a special reward waiting for care-givers. If He died for us, should we not be willing to live for Him?

D. Make God a part of your inner circle. As a child of God you have access to the greatest power in existence. He stands ready, willing and able to help and He is only a prayer away. Make prayer a routine part of your life. Pray the first thing in the morning, the last thing at night, and when ever you feel the need in between. If you are not a Christian, become one. If there is any doubt in your mind as to how valuable every person is to God read Matthew 10:29-31.

E. Look beyond the present. Life is too short to live it in a state of doom and gloom. This life is nothing more than a prelude to Heaven and Heaven is what it   is really all about. Just imagine what it is going to be like having a never ending companionship with our loved ones and friends with no pain, no sorrow, no fear, and no death. The Apostle Paul tells us that he considered that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which will be revealed to us.” (Rom 8:18). He goes on to say, “...Our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things that are seen, but at he things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (II Cor. 4:17-18)

The pain carrier always sees the bad, while the pain processor always looks for the positive. No matter how bad a situation may be, there will always be some positive aspects if we take the time and trouble to look for them. There is no denying that long term serious illness is exceedingly stressful and filled with hurts and sorrows. But even a 10 or 15 year illness is less than the blink of an eye when compared to eternity.

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things that are pure, whatever things that are lovely, whatever things that are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The Apostle Paul, (Phil. 4:8)