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Why I Do What I Hate
“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For
what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” The Apostle Paul, (Romans 7:15)
In this context the apostle Paul is talking about sin in his life. But, the principal at work is also at work in the life of every addicted person. This passage is an exact description of what the addicted person faces every day. Once trapped in an addictive behavior a person enters into a cycle from which they are unable to escape without help. This cycle, and its effects, becomes a pain event in and of itself. How do people get themselves into what is termed “The Emotional Pain Cycle?
It all begins with the Pain Event. The emotional pain cycle can be set in motion by a single catastrophic event or an accumulation of smaller events. When an emotional pain event occurs the common and natural reaction is to immediately entertain negative thoughts. If we are not successful in processing the event in a positive and constructive manner, the next step will be ruminating.
Ruminating is a fancy term for dwelling on the negative aspects of our life. Negative thoughts are the jet fuel that feeds the emotions. How we see ourselves and take control of our thoughts allows us to take a healthy control of the events in our lives. If we allow ourselves to continue dwelling on the negative, however, we will bring about a state of depression.
Depression is defined as anger turned inward. Depression is fed by thinking errors which are the opposite of accurate thinking and are always based on our emotions rather than our intellect. Taking things personally, jumping to conclusions, and filtering out the positive to focus on the negative are examples of thinking errors. The apostle Peter advises that when in this situation we should, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (I Peter 5:7) Unprocessed emotional pain is not only the cause of depression, it is the root of most stress.
Stress is the result of a continual build-up of emotional pain and depression. The combination of getting hurt, inaccurate and negative thinking, along with prolonged depression, will increase the stress level just like a heated pressure cooker. When stress builds to the breaking point, the victim will always look for a means of escape. They have no choice. The mind demands relief from the stress.
The decision to escape. The need to escape from emotional pain is the foundation of all addictive behavior. If unable to process emotional pain in a positive, non-destructive manner, the victim will resort to some behavior which relieves the stress. There are over 100 behaviors that have been classified as “addictive” by the American Psychiatric Association. The alcoholic drinks for the very same reason the drug addict uses drugs. The need to escape builds and builds until it is unbearable.
Plan in Place. The victim is not aware he is choosing an escape behavior. A person’s pain and stress becomes so intense that he looses the ability to evaluate his thoughts to see if they are healthy. The choice of an escape behavior is always based on what is available. A change in availability may contribute to behavior swapping which is trading one addiction for another. Stopping smoking can lead to overeating.
Acting out is using an escape behavior to cope with the pain (developing an addiction). The human conscience separates men from animals, therefore, justification to get past the conscience is not an option.Unless the conscience has been seared to the point of being depraved, it is mandatory to justify our actions in our own mind. Unfortunately, self-justifications do not have to be strong to get by the conscience. They can even be laughable to all others. Solomon warns us that, “All the ways of man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your works to the Lord and your thoughts will be established.” (Prov. 16:2-3) It is for this reason healthy thinkers give great care to the reasons for their behavior.
Any person trapped in an addictive behavior has to deal with a load of shame, guilt and fear. Jesus tells us, “For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.” (John 3:20) The addicted person sees others using the behavior without becoming addicted and feel guilty because he is unable to do so. The addicted person feels shame because they are not able to control their behavior. In addition, the addicted person lives in constant fear of their unacceptable behavior being found out.
Resolving to Stop is the decision to try to break the addiction. The greatest desire of any addicted person is to be able to break the addictive behavior. Time after time they will resolve that “this time is the last time.” They may be able to stop for a day, a month or even a year, but will always fail until they have been trained to deal with the real problem, which is not the addiction, but the underlying emotional.
Attempting Normal is the attempt to end the addictive behavior. A strong desire to quit may involve both prayer and self-condemnation. In this step the victim attempts to be “normal” as he believes others to be. Not being able to successfully stop escape behaviors only brings on more pain from which there is a need to escape. This continuing cycle eventually drags a person to the absolute bottom in hopelessness. In rare instances the person may resort to suicide as the final means of escape.
Those trapped in a shameful behavior are trapped in a vicious cycle which leads to more and more pain which only serves to feed the cycle and further entrap the individual. This cycle can only be broken if the victim is trained to deal with their emotional pain in a non-destructive manner. Once the ability to process emotional pain has been learned the addiction can be reduced to a habit, and habits are easier to break than addictions.
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