Why Do I React as I Do?

Why is it that some days we are easily able to deal with whatever comes our way while on other days we feel as if we are being overwhelmed by events out of our control? We all have days like this, and asking why is a very legitimate question. The answer lies in understanding the four steps in human behavior. Our reaction to any given event is entirely dependent on our frame of mind when the event takes place. There are four steps in human behavior and we will go through all four steps any time we are faced with an emotionally painful event. The four steps are perception, thoughts, emotions and action.

Perception is determined by how we feel about ourselves when the event takes place. Our perception of self has everything to do with our level of self-esteem. Self-esteem is determined by how I view myself and what I tell myself, about myself. Our ability to deal with emotional pain in a positive manner is totally dependent on our perception of self. The molding of our perception of self begins in early childhood. It is extremely important that we instill in our children a healthy self-image. Faulty parenting will create faulty thinking. As a result, too many children develop irrational belief such as “I’m no good,” “I’ll never amount to anything.” and “If I get something wrong I am bad.” Once beliefs such as these become imbedded in the psyche it is extremely difficult to change. When faced with emotional pain, our perception of self determines our thinking. This is why the apostle Paul wrote, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4)

A person with a positive self-image will automatically look for and find any positive aspects in the situation. Persons with low self-esteem, or who perceive themselves as victims will immediately filter out the positive in order to focus on the negative. It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of maintaining a high level of self-esteem.

Thoughts are what we tell ourselves about the situation. When faced with a emotionally painful situation we immediately engage in self-talk. What we tell ourselves about how we feel in regard to the situation in entirely dependent on our perception of self. If we have a healthy self-image and view the event with a positive attitude, we will fill our thoughts (self-talk) with positive words and pictures. But if the event is view in the negative; if we perceive abuse, rejection, victimization, injustice, or not being properly understood we will fill feed on the negative and the emotions we call up will be harsh, dark, and difficult to control. It is easy to see why it is important to always maintain a healthy self-image and high self-esteem. Solomon wisely tells us, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Prov. 23:7) What we tell ourselves will determine the emotions we call up.

Emotions are the feelings we call up. We call up emotions that are consistent with our thoughts and our perception of self. Attempting to take control of our actions in the emotional stage is all but impossible. This is particularly true when the emotion called up is anger. That is why Proverbs tells us, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29) It is importantto remember that our self-image controls our thinking as well as our feelings. A person with a positive self-image and high self-esteem will call up emotions that are positive and non-destructive. A person with a poor self-image will call up dark and negative emotions which will result in destructive actions. How we react in a particular situation is a direct result of the emotions we call up.

Action is the fourth and final step in human behavior. It is our response to an emotional painful event and is based on the emotions we call up. If we are pleased with how we see ourselves in step one, our self-talk in step two will be uplifting and pleasant. Our resulting emotions will be easy to control and our actions will be helpful or at the very lease harmless. But if we are displeased with ourselves, began to think negatively and call up emotions that are harsh and difficult to control, our actions can be expected to be harmful and threatening. Jesus warns us, “The things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.” (Matt. 15:18) In this same vein Solomon tells us, “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” (Prov. 29:11) It is not hard to see the value in taking charge in the very first step.

Actions always carry consequences, either immediate or delayed. Attempting to control the consequences of our actions is like trying to count the flakes in a twelve inch snow. It can’t be done. Jails, prisons and hospitals are filled with people paying the consequences for their actions.

All of us carry some degree of emotional pain. Some emotional pain is mild and does not affect either our conduct or the welfare and happiness of those around us. Some emotional pain, however, is so deep and hurtful that it has great effect on our own lives as well as the lives and happiness of those around us. An accumulation of minor emotional pain can be just as damaging as a major catastrophic event. The ability to properly process our emotional pain gives us an advantage in every aspect of our lives.