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The Seven Stages of Unprocessed Emotional Pain
Unprocessed emotional pain has the ability to slowly drag us to the absolute bottom. The way to prevent this from happening is to admit when we have been hurt emotionally and take the necessary steps to process the pain and put it behind us. When this is not done, emotional pain has the ability to set us on and ever downward spiral of destructive emotions. This spiral consist of seven stages.
Discontentment is the first stage into which we enter when we have been damaged by an emotionally painful event or an accumulation of smaller unprocessed events. This is why we are warned to “Do all things without complaining and disputing” (Phil. 2:14) and “Be hospitable to one another without grumbling” (I Peter 4:9) Discontentment results from any statement, action or situation we perceive to be negative, hurtful or unjust, and which tends to raise the level of anger. Discontentment must never be allowed to progress to the point where it becomes depression. Discontentment can and must be dealt with using the three skills which Jesus taught us.
Depression is the second stage and can be defined as anger turned inward. Scripture tells us, “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad” (Proverbs 12:25) Depression results from a prolonged accumulation of unprocessed emotional pain. Severe depression can require medication under the instruction of a physician before individuals can be stabilized to the point where they are capable of being taught how to process their emotional pain. Persons on an anti-depressant must never discontinue their medication without the consent of their physician.
Searching for an escape behavior is the third stage. This is why scripture tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 4:6-7) Prolonged depression will result in the building of more and more stress. When the stress build-up reaches the point of overload the mind will demand a means of escape. The chosen escape behavior will usually be something to which the pain carrier has easy access. In time the escape behaviors can become addictions and, as such, become a larger problem than the one the pain carrier was originally attempting to escape.
When escape behaviors reach the point of addiction broken relation-ships become the fourth stage in the process. Any escape behavior will create stress in all relationships. Those closest to the addicted person will be affected by the addiction just as much as the one with the addiction. Over time, the stress created can cause one relationship after another to be severed to the point where the addicted person finds himself totally alone. This is the reason the Bible warns that, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
The fifth stage in the downward spiral is legal complications. All destructive behavior carries consequences, and often the problems created by stress and broken relationships will wind up in court. Addiction will destroy a marriage and can often results in legal action. It is not uncommon to see the state remove abused children from an abusive home. Illegal drugs and alcohol are responsible for more individuals being in court than any other single reason. Virtually all crime in our society is either the direct or indirect result of unresolved emotional pain. Is any surprise that the Bible admonishes us to, “Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge… (Matt. 5:25)
Legal complications can, and often do, result in loss of freedom, which is the sixth stage in the spiral. Jesus says this is to be expected when He states, “...and the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.” (Matt. 5:25) Our jails and prisons are filled with individuals who committed crimes to get money to support their addiction. Most individuals in jail and prison are not basically bad people, they are people who made bad choices. The cost to society caused by the addicted individual is almost incomprehensible. In extreme cases severe unresolved emotional pain can even lead a person to take their own life.
Suicide, the seventh and final step in the downward progression, can be defined as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide only takes place when a person has reached a state of absolute hopelessness from which they can see no possible way out. Following his betrayal of Jesus, the Bible tells us, “Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was remorseful...saying, ‘I have sinned by betraying innocent blood’...and departed and went out and hanged himself” (Matt.25:3-5) It is a national tragedy that the largest group committing suicide in our nation today are those between the ages of nine and nineteen. Our children are killing themselves and their classmates at an alarming rate.
Is everyone who experiences emotional pain going to go through the entire downward spiral? Of course not! But many do allow themselves to become emotionally depressed over a situation. It is not uncommon for the emotionally depressed to seek escape behaviors. While most of us think of drugs or alcohol when we hear the word addiction, the fact is that alcohol and drugs are number six and seven in the order of most frequent addictions. It should come as no surprise that anger is number one but few realize that talking, sex and food represent the next three. Can a person be unaware they have allowed an escape behavior to become an addiction. Absolutely!
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