The Master Skill of Listening

Learning to listen may be the most difficult skill we nave to learn. When we learn to listen we will began listening to learn. It is a mistake to assume that good listening skills are something we are born with. We are born with the ability to hear sounds, but far more is involved in learning to be a good listener. Good listening is very much like good driving. The ability to drive a car requires much more than just the knowledge of what the steering wheel, accelerator , and breaks are designed to do. A blind person cannot drive a car because he is not able to be aware of everything that is taking place. When we back up a car, the first thing we should do is to look and be aware of what is behind us. We must also look ahead when we began to go forward. It addition, we must at all times be aware of what is going on around us.

Jesus condemned the close minded attitudes of the people of his day when He said, “Hearing you will hear and shall not understand, and seeing you will see and not perceive.” (Matthew 13:14) Were these people deaf and blind? Of course not! Their problem was they heard what they wanted to hear and saw what they wanted to see. Too many of us have the same problem today. The fact is that we have never really taken the time to learn to listen. Until we learn to really listen we will never be able to acquire the necessary understanding to correctly address the emotionally painful situations that come our way.

The first step in learning to be a good listener is to learn to listen and evaluate our own self-talk. Self-talk is what we are constantly telling ourselves about what is happening, how we feel and what emotions we are going to call up at a given time. What is generally referred to as thinking is, in reality, self-talk. When we are confronted with a difficult situation we instantly tell ourselves what we think about it. What we tell ourselves will determine the emotions we call up. The emotions we call up will determin our actions. Our initial reaction to any situation will depend on our perception of self when the event takes place. Solomon tells us, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7) If we perceive ourselves as victims we will call up one set of emotions, but if we perceive ourselves as being in control of the situation we will call up an entirely different set.

There is good and bad in any situation. We can choose to focus on the good or we can choose to focus on the bad. An interesting aspect of human behavior is that we will always find what we are looking for. If we look for the good in people and situations we will always find it. If we choose to look for the bad we will have no trouble finding that either. What we tell ourself in our self-talk will determine the words which come out of our mouth. Jesus tells us very clearly that, “Those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart and they defile a man.” (Matthew 15:18)

Once we have learned to structure our self-talk with accurate thinking and assertiveness, we will be in a position to start learning to listen. It’s not difficult to see the need for making a concentrated effort to learn to listen, or even to focus on the non-verbal, but how does a person learn to listen to a situation or the intent of the heart? By gathering facts, looking for reasons and understanding influencing factors. Facts are gathered in a variety of ways, but mainly by asking questions like, “What led up to this situation?,” “What has brought those involved to say what they do?,” “What do they really want,” and “What are the factors that influence the entire matter?” Finally, “What is the reason for the event and the words and actions of those involved?” Listening is improved and mastered by the taking time to ask and get answers to all vital questions leading up to the event. In short, take time to listen. Solomon tells us, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly, and shame to him.” (Proverbs 18:13)

Seven characteristics of a good listener are:

1. A good listener learns to see aggressive, problem people as emotional pain carriers desperately in need of understanding. In doing so we turn our condemnation into compassion.

2. A good listener makes the effort to create good listening conditions by working to remove obstacles hindering the listening process. Stepping aside from the group, and finding a quiet corner can be very helpful.

3. A good listener attempts to see issues through the other person’s eyes. This is difficult when we are convinced the other person is mistaken, or just plain wrong. Nevertheless, it is their viewpoint, not ours, that must be understand and address.

4. A good listener strives to understand not only what is being said but also the reason it is being said. There is alwaysa reason behind a person’s feelings.

5. A good listener engages in reflective listening by carefully repeating back what the other person has said but putting it in his or her own words.

6. A good listener always maintains good eye contact with the person doing the talking. It is also very important to observe the body language of the other person.

7. A good listener is always concentrating on what the other person is saying, never on how he or she is going to respond.

No master skill is more important or valuable than any of the others. They are interlocking to the point that each influences the others. They all need to be developed at the same time. Our difficulty in doing this is one of the best things Satan has going in his effort to restrict us to “occasional contentment.” How can a person learn and master three separate skills at the same time? That’s not an easy question. No doubt that’s where prayer comes in. Those willing to ask, seek and knock will work as though everything depended on them, and pray like it all depends on God.