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The Master Skill of Assertiveness
The second of the master skills for processing emotional pain is assertiveness. Assertiveness is getting our needs met without hurting or offending others. Jesus described it as “Being wise as serpents but harmless as doves.” (Matt. 10:16) Like accurate thinking and listening, Assertiveness is a learned behavior. There are four behavior types and it is important to understand the difference.
Aggressive behavior, words and actions, are never appropriate and almost always harmful. Passive behavior is not always harmful but it can be. Remaining silent when there is a need to speak or act can be just as destructive as aggression and aggressive behavior. A combination of these two behavior types is known as Passive Aggressive. This is being aggressive only when it is safe to do so. An example would be using aggressive words in a letter or on the phone. The last of the four behavior types is Assertiveness. Assertiveness is always appropriate and never harmful. Jesus was a master in assertiveness. His simple statement, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” completely defused the situation and sent the aggressors away in shame.
All too many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. In reality there is a world of difference. Assertiveness is always appropriate, always effective, and never offensive. The psalmist declares that. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11) An assertive statement addresses the situation rather than the person. The word “you” is one of the most offensive words in the English language. It should never be used except as part of a question or with a compliment. Notice the difference in the following two statements. Aggressive: I wanted to talk, but YOU said NO. Compare this with the assertive alternative of saying, “I needed to talk but I evidently picked a bad time.” Both statements say the same thing. However the first is very offensive and is certain to stir up angry emotions. The second conveys the same message, but without the offensive overtone.
Assertiveness is also a powerful tool for defusing a potentially hostile situation. Aggressive individuals are always carrying an immense load of emotional pain. Aggressive words and actions are used as a result of inner discontent, low self-esteem and a negative outlook on life. When a persons focus is constantly on the negative their words and actions will always be aggressive. Solomon assures us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) When confronted by an aggressive person an understanding statement will almost always lower the level of animosity. A very effective answer to a hostile statements is, “I’m sorry you feel that way, what can I do to help?” By not responding to aggression with aggression we are able to turn condemnation into compassion. When we can lower the level of anger we are able to eliminate a lot of emotional pain in the process.
Assertiveness cannot occur without accurate thoughts. Wisdom requires accuracy as well as carefully constructed thoughts. Wisdom demands truth, and the admonition to be harmless demands that great care be taken not to offend. The admonition to be “wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.” is consistent with the master skills of accurate thinking and assertiveness. An excellent definition of assertiveness is, “the ability to get needs met by listening without defending and speaking without offending.”
Mastering the skill of assertiveness requires carefully constructed thoughts before words are spoken and actions are taken. Words that unintentionally hurt are just as harmful as those that hurt intentionally. Carefully constructed thoughts are the core of assertiveness. Both words and actions must meet the requirement of harmless, both to self and to others.
In order to have “Every State Contentment” it is necessary to consistently process emotional pain in all five areas of human endeavor, instead of the average of two or three. Assertiveness is a powerful emotional pain processing tool which, to be effective, requires accurate thoughts, expressed in a harmless manner, in all areas of human endeavor. Truth, expressed harmlessly, prevents emotional pain every time. This is why the Bible tells us to “Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)
In this light, the idea of learning to be content in “every state” becomes more and more consistent with what the Bible teaches. If emotional pain is being processed in every state there is no lingering emotional pain to be distressed over. “Every State Contentment” has nothing to do with being trouble free, but it has everything to do with being free from the unprocessed emotional pain which builds stress. If pain is being properly processed there is no reason for being distressed. This is consistent with Paul’s statement of “learning to be content in every state,” (Philippians 4:11)as well as being “troubled on every side without being distressed.” (II Corinthians 4:8) This is a simple concept which Satan has eased off the preaching and teaching list. This is a Bible truth that can make anyone, who takes the time to learn it, completely free of emotional pain.
Taking time to listen to all contributing factors in a situation, then using accurate thoughts expressed in a harmless manner will allow the pain of the situation to be removed. Accurate thinking is mastered by becoming so familiar with thinking errors that they can be spotted and replaced with accurate thoughts. It is the truth of accurate thinking that makes a person free. Assertiveness is mastered by taking the time to insure that all thoughts, words and actions are both accurate and harmless. Assertiveness is perfected by learning to ask the question, “Is it accurate, and is it harmless.” Solomon sums this up when he says, “The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools fours forth foolishness.” (Proverbs 15:2)
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