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Avoiding Unnecessary Emotional Pain
It is always better to avoid emotional pain in the first place than to deal with its effects after the fact. Can all emotional pain be avoided? No! Can much emotional pain be avoided? Absolutely! Death, and the emotional pain that comes with it are part of living and cannot be avoided. There are other such aspects of being human that create emotional pain that we cannot avoid. However, much or even most of the emotional pain we suffer is brought upon ourselves, and with proper training can be eliminated completely. God has given us the keys; it is up to us to use them.
Learn to understand and accept other peoples situations. We are all human and we all have faults. My faults may be different from another’s but that does not make theirs any better or worse than mine. The two most common reasons for disliking someone are not understanding their situation and fault finding. When we focus on another’s faults we bring up negative feeling toward the person. These feelings will be reflected in our attitude and will elicit the same attitude toward us. When we seek to understand another person’s situation, make allowances for their conduct, and strive to help, condemnation is turned into compassion. Compassion is always rewarded. Jesus very clearly tells us, “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also for them…” (Matt. 7:12)
Learn to look for the good in all people. There is bad in the best of us and good in the worst of us. When we look for the bad we will always find it. When we focus on the good we will always bring it out. How many of us would have chosen the men Jesus did to become His apostles? It is impossible to help a person improve until we get past outward appearances and past mistakes. If all we do is show condemnation, staring down our noses, others will never feel there is any hope of establishing a comfortable and trusting relationship. Jesus tells us, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’” (Matt. 9:12-13)
Learn to look for the reason behind another’s behavior. People do not act the way they do by accident. Every action has a reason behind it. All too often we judge people by their actions without looking for the reason behind their actions. This causes a lot of emotional pain for both them and ourselves. It is very easy to observe a person’s conduct and jump to a conclusion regarding that person. We have all done it and, we have all, in many cases, been terribly wrong. Solomon tells us, “The merciful man does good for his own soul, but he who is cruel troubles his own flesh” (Proverbs 11:17)
Learn not to judge another person. We have every right to judge a person’s actions, but we have no right to judge the person himself. We must understand that to judge another person correctly we must have a complete understanding of the person, his or her history, what is going on inside, and the motives behind the action. Only God has the ability to know and understand enough of the facts to make a righteous judgment. Notice the serious warning Jesus gives us with regard to judging others: “Judge not, that you not be judged. For with the judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” (Matthew 7:1-2)
Pre-process potentially painful events. Preprocessing is anticipating a potentially painful situation and preparing for it in advance. There are three steps is pre-processing. First, learn to recognize a situation which could be particularly painful. Second, determine the eventualities.
Third, plan a response for each eventuality. Preprocessing allows us to determine our course of action with a clear mind rather than addressing it in the heat of a situation. Hindsight is always 20/20. If we can see a better way of handling a situation after the fact, we can see a better way ahead of the fact. Finding a quiet time to determine our options and planning the best response for each eventuality will eliminate much emotional pain. A good example would be Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. He found a quiet place. He prepared his mind with prayer, then weighed the probabilities and prepared his mind for the coming events. “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matt. 26:39)
Avoid Set-ups for failure. A set-up for failure is putting ourselves in a situation that will more than likely end in failure. Any partnering with another person in an endeavor where success depends on a change in the other person is more than likely a set-up for failure. A good example would be a young girl marrying a boy who promised to change. A person’s past history is always a better indicator of future conduct than any promises made. Jesus warns us to always count the cost when He said, “Or, what King, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand.” (Luke 14:28-30)
Learn to observe the H.A.L.T. formula. The halt formula requires that we not respond to a painful situation when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Any time H.A.L.T. is violated the results are going to be counterproductive. Most of us have said and done things in anger which we have lived to regret. There are other times we are just to tired to deal with a painful situation. Being hungry or lonely fall into the same category. Learning to withhold our response until we are in a better frame of mind will eliminate a mountain of emotional pain.
Emotional pain will always be a part of life. It is not the event, however, but how we react the to the event that makes all the difference. The person with a positive outlook on life and high self-esteem will always deal with emotionally painful events better than the person with a negative outlook and low self-esteem. Working to improve our outlook on life and our self-esteem is essential in achieving “Every State Contentment.”
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